Public service announcement: Don't watch Transfomers 3

Spoiler: I don't like this movie so much

Now I know that I am late to the party and most of you that were considering watching the hideous creation that is Transformers 3 will long ago have made your decision either way.

However, if I can save just one person from this 3D enchanced CGI pile of poo-poo then I will consider this as time well spent.



Now let me start by saying that I watched the first Transformer movie and I was positively surprised. I found it to be surprisingly funny and well realised, despite it obviously not being the next Schindlers List with added robots (which would be an awesome movie, I'm sure).

I steered clear of the sequel as it got incredible bad reviews everywhere and I did not feel the need for a robot fix at the time it came around.

But when Transformers 3 came out I saw a lot of positive comments about the movie, saying that it was much more in line with the first movie and provided a good mindless robot war flick, which is all I could ask from a Transformers movie.

Lured by the prospect of a decent "turn-off-your-brain and look at the pretty explosions" movie, I set off with some of my friends to the local cinema of choice.

Where all my hopes shattered and burst like a ripe zit on a teenagers nose, leaving me covered in the gunk of despair.

To be sure, Transformers 3 is a *good looking movie*. To be sure, the new easy-on-the-eyes Victoria Secrets model that they have replaced Megan Fox with is easy on the eyes.
To be sure, if you try really hard it is possible to enjoy some of the fighting sequences and marvel and the impressive 3D visual effects.

But all the time your brain will be screaming at the top of its...erm..brain "WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON?! THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THAT JOKE WAS NOT FUNNY. WHY WAS THAT SCENE EVEN IN THERE?!!"
And frankly that will quickly drown out the low growling noises that other parts of your body make whenever Rosie Huntington shows up on screen.

The entire movie simply feels like it was thought out be a 13 year-old teenage boy that has just had an unhealthy week long marathon of 50/50 mix of playing Call of Duty and reading Playboy (If any teenager today would actually bother with something as ancient as a print magazine)

The funny bits feel terribly forced and NOT FUNNY AT ALL. Not even on a "that's so bad it's funny" level.
This includes several scenes that go nowhere and seemingly have no purpose other than to produce a supposedly "funny" situation.




As long as she's not actually saying anything, the scenes with Rosie Huntington are *almost* not completely terrible

The romance plot between Shia and Rosie feels flat and honestly with all the useless screaming she does for most of the movie you're soon just rooting for her to just die already.
Especially since her acting makes Keanu Reeves seem like Anthony Hopkins. Heck, she makes a wooden stick seem like like Anthony Hopkins.
It's bad guys. It's bad....

The plot itself makes little sense and has a ton of logical loopholes.
The decisions made by characters are similarly often completely nonsensical.

The entire movie has more cliches in it than you would think could possibly fit into one movie. Honestly you cannot swing a token black guy, who reveals himself to be comically squimish, without hitting someone talking about the unquenchable spirt of human kind (not using such big words obviously, as this movie is clearly targetting those with limited vocabularies such as stroke victims or comatose patients).

I could go on ranting for several more paragraphs, but I think you get the picture by now.

So let me just end by saying that Transfomers 3 is possibly the worst movie I have ever paid money to see and it is my strong and firm recommendation that you under no circumstances watch it.

Now back to drinking bleach in order to kill enough braincells to forget this unpleasent experience

P.S. This blog does not condone the drinking of bleach in order to remove unpleasent memories. Always use an ice pick.